Do you feel like you have the same arguments over and over again? This is a common issue for couples, especially when they have been together for a long time. With some simple communication and conflict resolution skills, you can drastically reduce the volume and frequency of circular arguments. Here are some tips from our couples counselors in Michigan to help you get started.
Find The Core Root Of The Argument
What is causing this argument to be brought up over and over again? It may be the tone of one person’s voice, bad memories from the past, trust issues, codependency, or a number of other factors. If you are in couples counseling, you can work with your therapist to figure out what these causes are and how you can avoid them in the future. As a whole though, you should take the time to assess what’s really going on during your arguments so you can come up with a solution together.
Resolve The Matter As Quickly As Possible
In some cases, a couple will continuously argue about an issue without ever reaching a resolution about it. This is like putting a small bandage around a deep wound. It may heal at the surface temporarily, but it could easily open up again in the future. You don’t want that. If you know that this issue has come up more than once, have a deep conversation about potential solutions.
Avoid Argument Triggers
Is there one thing you say or do that always seems to spark controversy? If so, it would be best to avoid that particular trigger as much as possible. Spouses push each other’s buttons from time to time because they get defensive, agitated, vengeful, etc. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but the fact is it does happen. If you consciously recognize a trigger that’s about to occur, stop it dead in its tracks. Find an alternate way to approach the situation or bypass it altogether. This will be better than saying or doing something you know will lead to controversy.
Learn When To Drop It
We said earlier that it’s important to resolve your issues, but not everything can be resolved. If one of your circular arguments involves a static difference of opinion – one that will not change under any circumstances – you should just let it go. Arguing about the issue is not going to help either one of you, and no matter how hard you try, you’re not going to change how your spouse feels. Is this small problem worth creating constant tension? Probably not.
Don’t Jump To Conclusions
Many discussions turn into arguments because participants jump to conclusions. You may only listen to part of what your spouse says before making a decision, yelling, or taking action. This is not a healthy way to resolve conflicts. Each person should be able to speak his or her mind while the other person listens intently. Doing this will make your spouse feel validated, which will prevent the argument from escalating even further. The positive progression will continue from there.
Let Go Of Long-Term Grudges
If you have agreed to forgive your spouse for something he or she did in the past, don’t let it affect your relationship at present. It will still have a subconscious impact no matter how hard you try to fight it, but you have control over just how far that influence reaches. Holding onto a grudge not only fuels your argument, but it also adds extra stress on you. Eliminating this stress will make you less defensive, which will subsequently reduce the frequency of your arguments.
For more information about couples counseling in Michigan, contact Perspectives Of Troy Counseling Centers.